So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
