I love black thongs
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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