what day is it and did you see me today?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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