So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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