is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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