HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
