Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
