She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
