The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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