last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize