I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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