How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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