I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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