He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
