i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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