Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
