Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
