Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
