absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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