I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
