my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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