peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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