I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
