the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
