He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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