Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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