Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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