she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
