I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
