There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
