we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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