Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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