If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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