i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
