New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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