Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
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