I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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