When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
