um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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