the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
