By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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