you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I queefed so loud it echoed.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
