I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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