He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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