My liver just broke up with me...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
