Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
