Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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