i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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