quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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