I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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