I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
