I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
