just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
