This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
